disco doorknob


Today, at 9:30 AM, the inside doorknob in the bathroom fell off. It broke. Luckily, no one got trapped inside the bathroom.

I live in a resort apartment complex so I called maintenance. I put in for an urgent maintenance request, and a new doorknob.

Maintenance showed up in about an hour and installed a new doorknob in the bathroom. They installed what looks like a 1970's gold colored "disco era" doorknob. It's new but ugggggly. I gawked at it and asked the maintenance guy if gold was the only color they had. Sheepishly shaking his head, he said, apologetically, "Yes, that's all there is. It's what we're using as replacement doorknobs". In response, I shook MY head, in disgust, thanked him, and escorted him out.

I now have a 1970's-style shiny new gold doorknob adorning the bathroom door. Unfortunately, gold colored doorknobs and other fixtures are out of date by nearly 40 years. I am thinking about replacing the ceiling light in the bathroom with a gold disco ball, to match the new decor. Then I can host disco parties in my bathroom. Or in my pants.






iWorld


Apple is scheduled to release 3 new iphones soon: 6S, 6sPlus, and 6C. They are also rumored to be working on a revolutionary new iphone, the iphone 7, for the following year. This is true.

I predict that dedicated Apple consumers will buy ALL of them.

In addition, in order to further addict consumers to their products, Apple will also shortly announce an eating and nutrition line, called iFood. They will also be opening a chain of coffee shops to compete with Starbucks. The Apple coffee shop chain will be called iCafe.

And Apple is also rumored to be coming out with a new line of bras, to compete with Victoria's Secret. The new Apple bra will be named, iTits. And, yes, iTits will be available on iTunes. Tits and Tunes, what more could you ask for?

At this rate, Apple will soon take over the planet with its products. And when they do we'll have to change the planet's name to iEarth.

The iphone stuff is true, I made up all the rest. Call it iLaughter.

rat erection



Lab rats have been subjected to gene therapy that triggers erections on demand when the animals are exposed to blue light.

The breakthrough could pave the way for a treatment for human erectile dysfunction, which affects more than half of all men over 60.

While some men reach for a little blue pill - Viagra - in order to deal with the problem, researchers from ETH Z├╝rich believe that in the future they may simply need to switch on a blue light in order to stand to attention.

The team - led by Professor Martin Fussenegger - injected the erectile tissue of rats penises with a gene construct that reacts to blue light. The blue light was used to trigger erections on demand

After treatment, a blue light shone on the underside of the animal would cause its penis to become erect.

It works by triggering a reaction that reduces calcium levels in the cells, which then relaxes muscle cells and increases blood flow to the erectile tissue.

Speaking for all older men, "Yeah, we'll try that". I can just see it now. "OK, baby, flip the switch for the blue light and watch what happens. Whoopee!"






my new job


A social media company catering to Germany's adult industry is creating a new position -- a sexual position.

Kaufmich.com -- which means "buy me" in German -- has just announced it is hiring a full-time "prostitute tester." A willingness to lie down on the job is a requirement, if you get our drift.

The man or woman chosen will review brothels in Germany, emphasizing service, cleanliness and compliance with safe sex practices. Doing this requires having sex with sex workers, according to Kaufmich.com's manager, who only gave his name as "Ben" to CNBC.

"Having a brothel in Germany is totally legal but so far there is not a quality system for them in place. "Clients on Kaufmich should be able to check the quality of brothels before there go -- like you check your hotel online before you book."

Besides scoring tips for carnal consumers, the ideal candidate “should enjoy having fun with people" and not be afraid of contact,” Newser reports.

Ben said there have been 150 applicants so far, mostly from Germany but also Belgium, the Netherlands and Great Britain.

OMG! My perfect job--a sex tester. I wish I was 22-years-old and had majored in sex in college. Hey, wait a minute, I DID! But, alas, I am not in my twenties any longer. Nor am I any longer in my thirties. I'm no longer in my forties either. But if I'm lucky, really lucky, maybe they have an "old man/younger hooker" position I can apply for.

Imagine that, a job that requires having sex with girls. What's the pay? Are there benefits? Yeah, there's plenty of benefits, the best benefits in the world--free sex! As for the pay, hell, I'd work for free!

I'd love to work for this company--this job would be a REAL party in my pants--every day!

Excuse me, I have to go now, and submit my resume.






dead red



In the U.S., it is legal to make a right turn on a red light in nearly all cities (except for New York City). In those cities, you can make a right on red: IF YOU STOP FIRST. AND IF THERE'S NO VEHICLE (OR PEDESTRIAN) COMING.

Every day, in L.A., as I drive home in the late afternoon, I have to contend with idiot drivers who do not know how to make a right turn on red. Here's what happens: I am stopped at a light, awaiting a green arrow to make a left hand turn. I have my blinker on to turn left. The light changes, giving me a green arrow to turn left. The traffic signal for drivers opposite me who want to turn right is red. Dead red. No green arrow. Having the right of way, I proceed through the intersection on my green arrow--only to see a car opposite me illegally turning right--on a dead red light--cutting me off, forcing me to give up my right of way, forcing me to give up my lane, and my goodwill towards men. I have to slow down in order to avoid crashing into the other illegally turning vehicle. It gets worse. Often, the vehicle illegally turning right on red does not even stop or slow down before turning right, thereby running a red light. The offending drivers are always scared and confused when they finally see me coming straight at them, then seeing me slow down to avoid an illegal-right-on-red-collision. I can see the fear and confusion on their faces as they see me coming, "Huh, where did HE come from?" Duh. Where's a traffic cop when you need one? In over 25 years, I have never seen anyone pulled over or arrested at this intersection for illegally making a right turn on a red light, for running a light that's dead red.

And, yes, there are numerous accidents at that intersection. It's wonder there aren't more injuries and deaths, due to stupid and dangerous driving, caused by stupid and dangerous drivers making an illegal right turn on red.

To all you drivers who don't know, or don't care, about legally and safely making a right on red, L-E-A-R-N. Your life may depend on it. More importantly, MY life may depend on it.

Before you make a right turn on red: STOP. And look at the traffic (and pedestrians). If a vehicle (or pedestrian) is coming through the intersection, and they have the right of way, DON'T PROCEED anyway! If you do, you could cause a serious or fatal accident and wind up in jail. Or the morgue.






bad now good


"You may have heard whispers that the artificial sweetener saccharin (commonly known as Sweet‘N Low) is a carcinogen. But according to a new study presented today at the 249th National Meeting & Exposition of the American Chemical Society, it could actually be useful in developing treatments for aggressive cancers by deactivating a protein found to facilitate the spread of cancer."



OK, for years, the medical profession said sugar was bad for you and artificial sweeteners were bad for you. Now saccharin is a good chemical? And I heard that sugar is now good for you, too. And for decades, we were told that saturated fat was bad for you. Now, new medical research says that saturated fat is good for you.

Hey, all you medical researchers, suddenly, everything that you told us was bad for us is now good for us! And everything that you told us was good for us is now bad for us! Make up your damn mind: sugar or no sugar, sweetener or no sweetener, fat or no fat? Which is it??? Medical researchers need to get on the same page--because now I don't know what's healthy or unhealthy--and I don't know what to eat!!!






something else


something else to worry about

“It’s looking increasingly likely that cellular phones (mostly smartphones these days) are harmful in terms of cancer risk, particularly to the head and neck,” says Joel M. Moskowitz, Director of the Center for Family and Community Health at the University of California at Berkeley. “A lot of scientists have come round to the view that radiofrequency radiation is probably carcinogenic because of new research that has emerged since 2011.”

Damn, something else to worry about. Not only are electronic devices complicated to use, now I have to worry about getting brain cancer while using them. Cellphones can cause brain cancer? That being the case, do me a favor, don't call me.

Is nothing safe? Maybe we should go back to communicating via smoke signals. Wait a minute, we can't do that either, smoke signals might pollute the air.

Perhaps the only safe communication is NO communication.






hotel showers


leave my shower alone!

By Elizabeth Harrington Published March 17, 2015 Washington Free Beacon

"The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) wants hotels to monitor how much time its guests spend in the shower.

The agency is spending $15,000 to create a wireless system that will track how much water a hotel guest uses to get them to “modify their behavior.”

“Hotels consume a significant amount of water in the U.S. and around the world,” an EPA grant to the University of Tulsa reads. “Most hotels do not monitor individual guest water usage and as a result, millions of gallons of potable water are wasted every year by hotel guests.”

“The proposed work aims to develop a novel low cost wireless device for monitoring water use from hotel guest room showers,” it said. “This device will be designed to fit most new and existing hotel shower fixtures and will wirelessly transmit hotel guest water usage data to a central hotel accounting system.”

The funding is going toward creating a prototype and market analysis for the device. The goal of the project is to change the behavior of Americans when they stay at hotels.

“This technology will provide hotel guests with the ability to monitor their daily water online or using a smartphone app and will assist hotel guest in modifying their behavior to help conserve water,” the grant said."

So the EPA wants to monitor how long a shower I take when I stay in a hotel? Are you kidding me? What will the EPA force hotels to do, turn off the shower after 7 minutes? After 5 minutes? Or just wait until I soap up and then shut off the water in the shower?

You want to conserve water in hotels? Here's an idea. Take away ALL the water. Take away the hotel shower, remove it. Remove the hotel sinks. Remove the toilets in all the hotel rooms. Yeah, that'll work, that'll save lots of water.

Hey, EPA, let me put this in a way that you can understand: when I spend $200, $300, or more per night to stay in a good hotel I will take as long a shower as I fucking want! Or, in even simpler words, "Stay the fuck out of my hotel room!"






Laugh Day


Around the world on March 19th:

LET’S LAUGH DAY

"Celebrated annually, around the world, March 19th is "Let’s Laugh Day".

We have all heard the saying, “Laughter is the best medicine” so this is the day to take your medicine.

Some studies have shown that laughter may boost your immune system, relieve tension and help you relax. Who does not need any of those things in our busy and hectic world?"

So, on March 19th, let's all laugh! In fact, let's celebrate "Let's Laugh Day" every day!

"A laugh a day keeps the doctor away."
- Andrew Lawrence






car versus train



I am seeing too many news stories of people in vehicles who try--and fail--to beat a train at a railroad crossing.

Apparently, the people in the vehicle are impatient and don't want to wait for a train to go by in front in them. They decide to go across in front of the train before the train gets there. They think they can beat the train. They ignore the flashing red lights and the deafeningly loud horn of the oncoming train and they cross the railroad tracks ahead of the speeding oncoming train. And they get hit by the oncoming train. What happens when a car gets broadsided by a speeding oncoming train? The people in the car DIE. Don't die. Don't confront an oncoming train. Don't try to beat an oncoming train. Don't fuck with an oncoming train. Ever.






L.A. Care doesn't care


DailyNews.com

"Leaders of a publicly funded Los Angeles County health access provider spent $476,000 on expensive dinners and entertainment for themselves, while their clients, who are mostly low income and on Medi-Cal, waited in long lines to receive care, said Los Angeles County Supervisor Michael Antonovich.

Antonovich ordered an audit of L.A. Care Health Plan in January because of concerns about lax oversight of the agency under its former CEO, Howard Kahn, and members of the governing board.

L.A. Care is the nation’s largest publicly operated health plan that administers more than $4 billion in public funds to more than 1.6 million people. It also is one of the plans offered on Covered California.

Kahn left L.A. Care at the end of last year after leading the agency for 13 years. The agency spent $12,400 on eight farewell lunches for his retirement, according to the audit.

Antonovich was appointed to the L.A. Care board in December.

He said the $476,000 was spent on extravagant meals with liquor and entertainment over the last 16 months. Though a television news story about the spending aired last year, Kahn and the governing board continued to spend.

“L.A. Care was created to make health care accessible to our county’s most vulnerable populations — not to be a personal credit card for the entertainment of its CEO and Governing Board,” Antonovich said in a statement Friday.

“The continued arrogance to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on expensive meals and liquor while patients needing care wait in long lines for service is unconscionable.”

Arrogance? Half-a-million dollars for dinners? Who said these clowns could eat lavish and expensive dinners and lunches paid for by taxpayers? Let them buy their own fucking meals! These bureaucrats were spending our money--on themselves! This government agency's former CEO and current Board Members were/are not only arrogant but were/are totally out of touch with the poor people they are supposed to serve, but are also out of touch with voters, the taxpaying public, and reality.

What should be done about it? They should all be fired, for misuse of funds. And then thrown in jail. Just like in the real world.






fundraising for traffic



President Barack Obama will be arriving in Los Angeles Thursday just in time for the afternoon rush hour, meaning motorists in selected areas should be prepared for detours or delays.

Obama will be attending a Democratic National Committee fundraiser and filming a segment for “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”

The LAPD is recommending that motorists avoid the following areas because of expected traffic congestion:

— Sepulveda Boulevard between Lincoln and Century boulevards between 3 and 5 p.m.;

— North Hollywood Way between West Empire Avenue and North Glenoaks Boulevard between 3:30 and 5 p.m.;

— Sheldon Street between Roscoe Boulevard and San Fernando Road from 3:30 to 5 p.m.;

— The area around Highland Avenue between the Hollywood Bowl and Sunset Boulevard between 4 and 6 p.m.;

— The area around Ocean Avenue between Pico and San Vicente boulevards between 4 and 7:30 p.m.;

— The area around San Vicente Boulevard between Ocean Avenue and 25th Street between 4 and 7:30 p.m.;

— The area around Overland Avenue between National Place and Tennessee Avenue between 7 and 8:30 p.m.;

— The area around West Pico Boulevard between Overland Avenue and Century Park East between 7 and 8:30 p.m.;

— The area around Avenue of the Stars between West Pico and West Olympic boulevards between 7 and 8:30 p.m.;

In Burbank, Officer Joshua Kendrick said traffic will be affected on side streets as well: Thornton Avenue, Burton Avenue, Tulare Avenue, San Fernando Boulevard and Cohasset Street.

On Friday, motorists should avoid the area around West Pico Boulevard between Avenue of the Stars and Westwood Boulevard between 6 and 8 a.m., according to the LAPD. The area around Overland Avenue between West Olympic Boulevard and National Boulevard will be congested between 6 a.m. and 8 a.m. Friday, and the area from around South Centinela Avenue between Pico and Ocean Park boulevards should be avoided between 6 and 8 a.m.

Obama is scheduled to leave Los Angeles at 10:15 a.m. Friday.

— City News Service



The above streets are major thoroughfares throughout the second largest city in America: Los Angeles, California. Los Angeles already has the worst traffic congestion in the nation. Political presidential fundraisers make it even worse. Because the president wants to do a PRIVATE fundraiser, he is totally disrupting the PUBLIC, causing catastrophic disruption and inconvenience to millions of drivers in L.A. during an already horrific and hectic evening rush hour.

Here's an idea for the President and the Democratic National Committee. Hold your damn fundraisers ONLINE. Do your damn fundraising via video conference. Stay in Washington, D.C. and raise money--and stop stopping traffic!!!






paying dead people



Throwing money down the toilet

As of September 2014, the Social Security Administration was still issuing benefit payments to 266 people who were using a SSN that said they were born before June 16, 1901.

They were born before 1901? That would make the 266 individuals at least 114 years old! Hmm. That's strange, because there are only 35 people over the age of 112--in the entire world.

The government is continuing to pay millions of dollars a year to people who are long since dead?

Am I surprised? Are you?






daylight savings


Yesterday was the first day of something called "springtime" Daylight Savings Time. Daylight Savings Time is forced upon us by the government. For Spring, on a certain date, at two o'clock in the morning, we are forced to turn the clocks ahead one hour. And lose an hour of sleep. The government forces people to lose an hour's sleep? This sounds like a punishment to me!

I, like three hundred million other Americans, was forced to do it, and, as a result, I awoke the next morning at my usual time: 6:30 AM. Except, according to my body (and not the clock), it was actually 5:30 AM. Ugh. I lost an hour's sleep. I was tired. Maybe I was tired because the government deprived me of an hour's worth of sleep! Ugh. I got up out of bed anyway. I went to the window and looked out. It was totally dark. Ugh.

The only good thing I can look forward to regarding Daylight Savings Time in March is that, at the end of the day, it is still light outside for an extra hour.

Is gaining an extra hour's worth of daylight worth losing an hour's sleep? That's some choice: one hour less of sleep or one hour more of daylight. And the winner is ....?






national napping day


National Napping Day is celebrated annually the day following the return of daylight savings time. National Napping Day provides everyone with the opportunity to have a nap and catch up on the hour of sleep that they lost due to the, spring forward, time change.

There's a National Napping Day? Yes, on March 10. Finally, a "national day" I can identify with. National Napping Day. I celebrated it. I took a nap.

EVERY day should be National Nap Day!






man boobs



Some men get "man boobs". Man boobs can be caused by age, weight, and also by some medications. I am no longer young, have gained a few pounds, and one of my medications was listed as a cause of man boobs.

About a month or so ago I noticed what appeared to be small man boobs on my chest. They were situated right where women have boobs. My possible man boobs were about the size of a "developing" young girl.

I sort of freaked out. I'm a guy, I'm not supposed to have boobs. I don't want to have boobs. I don't want to have even little ones. I'm a guy. Guys have pectoral muscles, WOMEN have boobs.

Physically, I walk daily. I walk the equivalent length of four football fields. I also use dumbbells, to firm my upper arms and chest. I do not want to have man boobs. I don't want to wear a "man bra" either!

Man boobs? What if my man boobs grow bigger? What if I end up with big "man melons"? What if I need to start buying bras at Victoria's Secret, for myself? What if they keep growing and I have to go for cosmetic surgery, and get a breast reduction? I'm a guy, I'm not supposed to have boobs!

As it happens, I was scheduled to go to the doctor soon, for a general follow up visit. I decided I would ask the doctor if I had man boobs. Really? I'm going to the doctor to get a diagnosis of man boobs? I'm a guy, I'm not supposed to have boobs!

So I went to the doctor and told him about my man boobs. I lifted my shirt and showed him my man boobs. He checked them out, felt around the nipples, and rendered his diagnosis. No man boobs. He thought my pectoral expansion was probably due to my lifting weights. Or age.

Hot damn! No man boobs!

Then I thought, "Hmm. Too bad, if I had boobs, I could feel myself up!"






where's the beef?


India's western state of Maharashtra has introduced a ban on beef so strict that even possession could land you in jail for five years, media reports and the chief minister said Tuesday.
The country's Hindu majority considers cows sacred, and several states already ban their slaughter.

But the latest measures in Maharashtra -- home to India's commercial centre Mumbai -- go even further, making the sale or possession of beef an offence punishable by a five-year jail term or a 10,000 rupee ($160) fine.



No offense to India, or Indians and their beliefs, but as we Americans say, "where's the beef?" And, to all the Americans who think America is a bad place, I say, "Go live in India--and never eat a hamburger again. With or without cheese. Or, if you can find a burger, and get caught eating it, you could spend five years in jail." Hmm. I think I'd rather live right here in America. And have the freedom to eat what I want.

Speaking of food, all this talk of beef is making me hungry. I think I'll go to McDonald's--and get a triple cheeseburger! I can do that in America.






dickless old age



Every man who lives long enough will get prostate cancer. That's what the medical profession says. That being the case, should an older guy treat his prostate when it develops cancer? Here's the choices. Treat it and likely lose your dick function. Don't treat it and likely lose your dick function.

Welcome to old age. Dickless old age.

Thank God for viagra! However, viagra costs a whopping $20 a pill in the U.S. (in America, it's available in brand name only) while costing a very affordable $2 a pill from Canada--and the rest of the world. In America, if a older guy takes brand name viagra twice a week, in order to have sex, it will cost him $2,000 a year. Millions of older American males can't afford that. Thanks to Big Pharma, older men in America are getting screwed. Or, rather, NOT getting screwed.

Welcome to the new America, where quality of life in older males means your dick might as well fall off.






welcome to hell



On February 28, I received a California DMV driver's license renewal form in the mail. It says I have to personally report to a local DMV office and, among other things (like paying $33), take a vision test. OK, I can do all that. The form also says that I can schedule an appointment online, to "speed up the process". Great! I will do that and save time and avoid "taking a number" and sitting at a crowded DMV office for hours waiting for them to call my name and process me.

I went online to the DMV website the next day, March 1, and, after some confusion (what do you expect, it's the government) I found out how to schedule an appointment. So far so good. This is going to be easy. And convenient. Boy, was I wrong!

The first appointment that was available was for April 24, nearly 2 months away! Two months? I have to wait 2 months to renew my driver's license? WHY does it take taxpaying legal residents 2 months to get an appointment with the State of California Department of Motor vehicles, to simply renew their driver's license? Oh, maybe it's because illegal immigrants can now get LEGAL driver's licenses in California ... and there are MILLIONS of illegal immigrants in California. Could it be that THEY (illegal immigrants) are jamming up the DMV appointment process, causing ME to have to wait 2 months for an appointment?

It gets worse. The expiration date on my current driver's license is May 6. If I go to the appointment on April 24, I may not receive my renewed license before my old one expires. Thus, if, while driving during that expired period, for some reason I get pulled over by the cops I will get arrested for driving with an expired license! Or, as an alternative, until I receive my renewed driver's license, I won't be able to legally drive at all.

So, it looks like I will have to go the DMV office in person, without an appointment, and waste hours of my valuable time, or a whole day, waiting to get my driver's license renewed. And spend $33 doing it. As a legal, taxpaying resident of California, am I thrilled with the stupid government of the State of California and it's inefficient slow-as-molasses stupid government-run DMV? What do YOU think?

I have one thing to say to the California DMV. FIX THE PROBLEM!